Imagine this if you will; you really have a craving for pizza. So, you go all around town and find out that for some reason all you favorite pizza joints are closed. You decide to settle for second best and get yourself a fine Chinese meal, Now, while you are eating it, you never get that satisfaction you would have gotten from the pizza. That's pretty much how I felt after watching Nurse 3D. Now, why is that? Let's find out.

Utterly insane and yet so lovely.

This friendship is about to turn into Fatal Attraction on crack!

About to go on a rampage...

...and no one...

...is going to stand in her way!

It's beginning to look a lot like Valentine's Day! Ah, couples holding hands, cuddling up and celebrating each others love! Yes, I hate it. So, it's the perfect time to delve into one of those “love” films. You know, boy meets girl, girl wants to date boy but he rejects her; so girl turns into a murderous psycho. The typical stuff, we've all been there. I am going to keep this short! Let's take a look at the loved ones! 

Brent (Xavier Samuel) accidentally killed his father in a car accident and now he spends most of his days tuned out and disconnected from the world. Suffering from depression and beat down by guilt, Brent mutes his pain with drugs. The only light in his life is his dedicated girlfriend Holly(Victoria Thain). Prom night is coming up and she wants him to take her to the dance. Another contender is taking her chances though. Shy little wallflower, Lola (Robin McLeavy) musters up all of her courage and ask Brent to be her date for prom night. He gently lets her down and leaves her standing alone in the school hallway. Brent never makes it to the dance though as a stranger drugs and kidnaps him. When he wakes up he finds himself strapped to a chair and at the mercy of Lola and her father! As he suffers unspeakable torture, He must fight to stay alive and find a way to escape before he permanently joins Lola's “collection” of dream dates.

First of all, Australian horror rocks! After Wolf Creek surprised me, this film downright thrilled me. It gets right down to business and doesn't waste much time to get to the brutal stuff and believe me, this film doesn't shy away from a little blood. There is a subplot that seems to have nothing to do with the main story but the two story lines meet near the end but not in an entirely satisfying way. In fact, the whole third act is a bit too much actually. Had they toned it down slightly and eased us into the madness of the latter part of the movie, it would have been easier to swallow and digest. It's like they turned up the volume from a 5 to 10 in one turn. 

Is that a bad thing then? No, because the performances are so strong that you can forgive little beauty faults in the writing. Xavier Samuel's character Brent goes through an extreme amount of bodily harm. His kidnappers paralyze his vocal cords, so his performance is largely wordless and silent. He has to emote that pain, fear and anger through his eyes, facial expressions and body language and it works. The absolute star of this film is Robin McLeavy though. Her character Lola is utterly and I do mean utterly insane! Everything she says and does is soaked in venom and pure evil. This in stark contrast to her Barbie doll looks. It makes her even more terrifying. And yes, I do mean terrifying as McLeavy isn't playing this for laughs. Her portrayal of Lola is truly phenomenal.

Apart from minor gripes with the story, I don't really have anything negative to say about this film. All the actors are top notch, the director clearly knew what he was doing. The cinematography is excellent and everything is beautifully lit. Best of all, this is truly a horror movie. Yes, it is funny but in a cringing, looking away from the screen kind of way. It's that over the top. This is a movie that delivers and I can't recommended it enough. Be sure to watch it with your significant other. Happy Valentine's day!

It's time for a little Viewer Vomit! Now, what's that you ask? It's when critic extraordinaire, Ryne Barber chooses two movies of his liking and invites others to write a review for it. Those reviews will be featured (along with his own of course) on his site The world is a dead moon (Go check it out). Our choices this time were House of whipcord and The Rig. I chose the latter movie. Now, let's get right into it then! 

After one of their remote submersibles malfunctions, the skeleton crew of oil rig “Charlie” don't get much time to asses the damage. A storm is about to hit them. They've been ordered to “button up” and sit it out. During their off hours, one of the crew members goes missing. After an unsuccessful search the crew is on edge. Things go from bad to worse when they find their boss' office covered in blood and torn apart. From that moment on they discover that strange and deadly creatures have found their way onto the rig. The same things that have damaged the submersible. Without any means of escape and no communications, the crew decides to hunt down these creatures but soon become the hunted themselves.

I could delve deep into this film but truth to be told, it just doesn't have enough substance to do so. What surprised me the most is that this film was dead boring. It took me a couple of viewings to get through it all. You see, when you make an ALIEN rip-off (Yes, they even have the Weyland logo plastered all over the place) it's most certainly possible to make an amusing and/or watchable B-movie at best. The Rig is full of lengthy and dull dialog. Not to mention the unnecessary subplots that have no payoff. It would have been better if they'd concentrated on creating atmosphere and tension instead of forcing drama that is out of place in a movie like this. 

Its biggest flaw is that the monsters seem to be an afterthought. It pops up here and there randomly reminding you, the viewer that, hey “This is still a horror movie”. Really? Why does it seem like the writers thought this was On Golden Pond? In this instance, and I never thought I'd say this but too much character development was a bad thing here.

Even though the writing is bad, I can't completely knock this film down. Knowing how hard it is to make a movie, I have to commend the makers for their effort. What vision or ideas they had, they made it a reality. The locations, monster suits and visual effects; it's all on screen. They even managed to get William Forsythe to star in this. I'm guessing he owed the director something and I'm pretty sure that after reading the script; he made sure that his role was cut short, very short. He's the best thing in the movie but barely in it.

So, is THE RIG a bad movie then? Not really, it's just not very exciting. From the cinematography, lighting to the performances, it's all just so very boring. You just don't care for any of the characters or what they go through. The Rig isn't good but also nowhere near that “so bad it becomes amusing” type of thing. It's just there on screen, killing your time with its mediocrity. You know, just re-watch Alien. It'll be time better spent.

I wasn't always a fan of zombies. I used to think all they had to offer were gore and bad acting all wrapped up in a trashy sensibility. All it took was me stumbling into a late night triple bill of Romero's dead Trilogy. It changed my mind and I fell in love with the whole thing immediately. Since then I've been looking up and collecting everything I could get my hand on; movies, comics, audio drama's and books.

Many times I've scrutinized this book from cover to cover!

D'aaaaw, he's so dreamy...

It all starts out quiet enough as we meet Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt), a former UN investigator and his family as they do the usual morning ritual thing; pancakes, orange juice and idle chatter. When his wife Karin and him bring their kids to school, they get caught up in chaos as the world is hit by a strange pandemic. The dead are coming back to life and viciously attack the living. Narrowly escaping the city, Gerry gets forced to travel the world to find the source of this lethal virus and possibly find a cure.

The iconic 'Battle of Yonkers'...is not in the film.

Now, apart from the title this movie has actually very little in common with its source material. Sure, it features one character, some lines and vaguely some situations from the novel but for the rest it is a wholly original beast. In any other case this this would be fine but not when your movie is based on arguably the best zombie novel ever written. I understand the very episodic nature of the book could not be adapted for the big screen, it certainly gave the screenwriters a run for their money and it shows. You barely get to know Pitt's character. He's a man driven to save his family. That is about it. You don't get any deeper than that. Karin Lane, his wife (Mireille Enos) is actually nothing more than the woman waiting for her man to come home.

At least they've got this right! Shoot 'em in the head!

There is no real depth to her and her children. The rest of the characters of the movie are barely in it. You never get the chance to get to know anyone. Prime example is Matthew Fox (Lost) playing a parajumper. A role so small, it could have been played by any other lesser known actor. So, much of the big names in this movie are pretty much wasted talent. Even the zombies have little “character” to them. You barely get time to get a look at them. They become faceless and therefore not much of real threat. It is hard to care for anyone. Also, all the reports of the behind the scenes troubles, extensive re-shoots and a completely new 3rd act written by Damon Lindelof didn't exactly help. Everyone pretty much expected this movie to bomb. Is it an unmitigated disaster then? Actually, no.

Reminds me of riots after a soccer game.

Despite its apparent flaws this movie actually works. It keeps its focus. Pitt's, Gerry Lane is a man on a mission and the doesn't deviate from that. No, unnecessary subplots. There are absolutely breathtaking set pieces that somewhat capture the epic nature of the novel. The massive ant-like attack of the zombies in Israel is amazing. It offers the viewer tons of amusement. Originally a PG-13 film, the newly inserted gore for the unrated cut of the film adds little to the overall story though. It is “eye candy” only. No new real scenes.

Yay! Finally! Some gore!

Even though the movie is a roller-coaster ride, it still remains in the back of my mind that this movie could have been a classic. It could have been for zombie/horror films what “The Dark Knight” was to superhero movies. They should have put more effort into the story and screenplay. This would have been one for the ages. If you are looking for a great zombie story on screen, you are better off on the small screen with 'The Walking Dead', the classics or some of the better, newer fare. There are already plans for a sequel. Now, I do hope they keep closer to the source material and focus on making a great zombie/horror film instead of an amusing action/thriller. It is well worth your time but they could have done so much better than this.